I am moving to my hometown of Mt. Vernon (pop. 2,000), Texas, to pursue two lifelong dreams: buying a used pontoon boat for treasure hunts on nearby Lake Cypress Springs, and starting a newspaper to compete with the weekly — Optic-Herald.
After becoming certified in scuba diving, I will lead expeditions of big-city folks to scour the muddy bottoms for ancient relics from Mt. Vernon's navigationally challenged boaters and belly-flopping picnickers.
We may even turn up such mementos from my own hippie circle of Sid Hicks, Gary and Mark Clinton, Dennis Jordan, David Parch-man, Pat Parnell and Neva Mills as rusty cans of Texas Pride, tie-dyed T-shirts and eight — tracks of Iron Butterfly — plus rival Winnsboro's mascot that Ronny Barker denies knowing anything about.
I have nothing against the Optic-Herald; but my newspaper will cover items that are too salacious for them:
• Wild pool parties at Carolyn Teague's house in which David and Debbie Norman wear vegetarian swimsuits made from their garden.
• Whether city Councilor Saundra Dunn can turn the city pool into "bathing-suit-optional."
• Dory Ezell Cason's tales about hippie-days bootleggers.
• A red-headed hippie's outburst at Mt. Vernon's single-screen theater when the "Easy Rider" rednecks shot Fonda and Hopper.
• The five Borden sisters whipping the four Sloan brothers in football.
• Whether Janie Huckeba remembers our Rare Earth concert.
• Terry Tillman's confession about using Wiffle Ball spitters against the Sloan brothers in home-run derby over the barbed-wire fence in my parents' pasture.
Is today April 1?
Contact Wendel Sloan at firstname.lastname@example.org