Dec. 1, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Tiger Woods lost his $7 million endorsement deal with General Motors last week. He’ll recover. Within hours the Treasury Secretary offered Tiger Woods a $25 billion bailout if he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus. • Thanksgiving Day had a huge spike in highway […]

Nov. 26, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Twilight sold out at movie theaters this week as every teenage girl in America went wild over a vampire. Teenagers influence everybody. This week every bank in New York City is begging for an allowance without even offering to take out the trash. • The Screen Actors Guild […]

Nov. 25, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama got adoring press coverage last week as Newsweek compared him to Abe Lincoln and Time compared him to Franklin Roosevelt. President Bush was miffed by the comparisons. Sure Abe Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt led the country out of a civil war and a great depression, but […]

Nov. 24, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker off Africa’s coast Monday. The piracy is rampant because Somalia has no functioning government. It usually works out fine unless housing prices in California collapse and the pirates lose their bonuses. • Saudi Arabia negotiated with pirates who seized a tanker […]

Nov. 20, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama vowed on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he’ll lobby for a college football playoff to replace the current computerized BCS rankings. That’s how tenacious he is. The elections’s been over for two weeks and he’s still trying to carry the South. • The New York Stock Exchange […]

Nov. 21, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama’s interview on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday drew the biggest ratings for the show in 10 years. He vowed to lobby for college football playoffs and end the BCS. They’d better do what he says, starting January 20th he has the nuclear football. • Somali pirates hijacked […]

Nov. 19, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Osama bin Laden issued a statement to the world on Saturday saying that Barack Obama is a Muslim because his father was a Muslim. That’s simply ridiculous. Does that make George W. Bush a good president just because his father was a good president? • Ringling Brothers was […]

Nov. 18, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The White House hosted a World Economic Summit Saturday. They drew up a 37-point plan to save the world. The first point was a directive to Barack Obama to make loaves and fishes and the next 36 points were recipes for sandwiches. • Los Angeles was swept by […]

Nov. 12, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • President Bush welcomed Barack Obama to the White House Monday. By all reports the two had a great meeting. For eight years President Bush told everybody that he talked to Jesus but Democrats didn’t believe it until they saw the pictures Monday. • President Bush’s body language was […]

Nov. 11, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin brushed off gossip by anonymous McCain aides Thursday. They called her a hillbilly who spends money like crazy and thinks Africa is a nation, not a continent. It’s the best impression of a Powerball Lottery winner anybody ever saw. • San Francisco officials decided Friday to […]

Nov. 10, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street fell 900 points in the first two days after Barack Obama’s election. It figures. Everyone was so worried about the riot damage by Democrats if Barack Obama lost they forgot about the cost of the Republican riot if he won. • Barack Obama held his first […]

Nov. 5, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The Hubble Telescope sent back photographs which astonished astronomers Monday, showing that the planet Mercury is covered in a mysterious blue gooey substance. It’s no mystery. It’s just Tim Russert out there somewhere awarding Mercury to Barack Obama. • Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. […]

Nov. 4, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The U.S. Constitution requires Americans to elect a new president Tuesday. There are no losers on this day. The winner’s supporters will think they have a mandate to rule and the loser’s supporters will live in a parallel universe in which they won. • Election Day arrives today […]

Nov. 3, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • ABC’s Monday Night Football will host John McCain and Barack Obama at half-time tonight. They may do a little game analysis. John McCain will call for the bomb and Barack Obama will say the quarterback ought to share his salary with the middle class. • The Hubble Telescope […]

Oct. 31, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it’s a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it’s a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of […]

Oct. 30, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama delivered a campaign speech at an outdoor rally in a Philadelphia suburb during a thunderstorm Tuesday. Lightning bolts literally flashed across the sky as he spoke. God just did the math and realized his taxes are going up. • The L.A. Times refused to release video […]

Oct. 29, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin on Monday to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain’s advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning. • London hosted the premiere […]

Oct. 28, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the $150,000 wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it’s the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night. • Los Angeles firefighters had to put out fires […]

Oct. 27, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly $200,000. It’s all going to be worth it because if she’s elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering. • The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by […]

Oct. 23, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street enjoyed a normal trading pattern in the stock market for the first time in a month Monday. There was a national sigh of relief. Americans were never happier to turn on cable news and see kidnapped children as the hour’s top story. • Colin Powell endorsed […]